


Half of What You Think of Me

by bluemoodblue



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alternate Universe - Benzaiten Steel Lives, Blood and Injury, Character Study, Gen, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, and I wanted to play in this space, i have grown fond of certain Ben characterizations, see how Ben would handle this situation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemoodblue/pseuds/bluemoodblue
Summary: Benzaiten Steel fights a battle in the waiting room of a hospital.There's no one there to hear the heated words but him, even if he'd been shouting aloud instead of inside his own head; he should have called Mick and Sasha, should have let them hear it from him instead of the evening news, but he doesn't have it in him. He barely has it in him to exist in this room, hands still tacky, the future still uncertain.He doesn't know if he can forgive Sarah Steel this time. He doesn't know who he'll be if he can't.
Relationships: Benzaiten Steel & Juno Steel
Comments: 16
Kudos: 165





	Half of What You Think of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the “Benzaiten lives” au angst that no one asked for and probably no one wants, but you’re getting anyway! I like the idea of a Ben who’s got his own issues and sharp edges to deal with, and I got to thinking about what that kind of Ben would do… with a little bit of role-reversal
> 
> (Please note that there is no character death marked in the warnings it’s FINE)

Benzaiten Steel fights a battle in the waiting room of a hospital.

There's no one there to hear the heated words but him, even if he'd been shouting aloud instead of inside his own head; he should have called Mick and Sasha, should have let them hear it from him instead of the evening news, but he doesn't have it in him. He barely has it in him to exist in this room, hands still tacky, the future still uncertain.

He doesn't know if he can forgive Sarah Steel this time. He doesn't know who he'll be if he can't.

There’s something running down Ben’s face, and for a moment he thinks it’s more blood until he remembers that the blood was already drying on his arms on the ride here. How long has he been sitting here? How long is too long? He tries to focus on the clock, but heavy, heaving thoughts pull him under again.

He was the one who believed in Sarah Steel. He helped her, defended her, sat up with her late at night when there was no one else and convinced himself that she was on the cusp of a turning point. If he were to condense himself down to a single element, that's who Benzaiten Steel is, isn't it? The kind one. The _good_ one. The one who sees the potential in people instead of their flaws, the one who's easy to talk to, easy to like. Their mother always thought so.

It's easy to be good when your twin is already cast as "the bad one," Ben thinks, and he hates it but he knows he's right. He _knows_ he’s right. There’s a phantom image of hate-filled eyes burned into the back of his own, and he wishes he hadn’t seen them as fervently as he wishes he’d seen them sooner. Sarah isn't a good mother - not anymore. Not for such a long time, since he and Juno were children and far too young to understand why something like a mother’s love should change. Of all the things he and Juno shared - a room, two homes, friends, schools - he wished they could have shared what was left of Sarah Steel’s love. Juno never got enough of it. It was as if Sarah _watched_ him, _waiting_ for an excuse to call him out on some innate flaw of being that she already knew was there. For justification for... Ben wasn't sure what. Justification to call her son a monster and mean it, maybe.

Once upon a time, as distant as yesterday, as far back as this morning, he would have thrown out the whole idea and called himself an awful son for thinking it. How unfair could he be, he would have chastised - Sarah would have been heartbroken to know he thought of her that way, and she would have been right to. Give her a little damn credit, Benten, she's messed up in the head but she's still _trying_ , isn't she? You can be unfair when she stops trying so damn hard.

She lost her pills. She accused Ben of hiding them. And when Juno walked through the door in the middle of the shouting, it didn't matter that he hadn't been by in a month, didn't matter that he didn't know where she even kept her pills and wouldn't have asked if someone paid him to, didn't matter that she'd _just seconds before_ been screaming at Ben as the cause of her problem - the moment she saw Juno, every bit of that hate was aimed at him.

Then a gun was aimed at him, too, and that was the biggest difference between _this_ time and every other time. Because when there's a bad twin, there's a good twin by default. Because protecting someone else by letting yourself be a target was almost a twisted kind of heroism, and Juno always wanted to be a hero.

Ben holds his head down to his hands, and lets out a keening hiss that might have been a scream if he had any more energy to put behind it. He didn't - all of his energy had gone into knocking that gun out of Sarah's hand and yelling at her to call an ambulance when reality crashed back into her eyes with waves of regret, to holding onto the wound and babbling nonsense at Juno while Sarah gave directions in one breath and whispered _I'm so sorry my little monsters, I'm so sorry_ in the next. He doesn't have anything more to give but he'll keep reaching for more anyway, because that's what Juno needs from him right now. He needs one person waiting for him to be okay. Just one person.

The clock is so loud above him, and he wonders again how long he’s been here.

Benzaiten has waited for Sarah to be okay. He's told himself that he believes in her, believes that she can overcome whatever fight is constantly happening in her head. He might have even meant it; he really thought he did, just a few hours ago. If nothing else, he needed Sarah to be okay because that meant he could be okay, too. It was proof positive that whatever terrifying reality he and Juno shared with her by virtue of sharing her blood, it was something they could overcome. They just had to _try_.

He’s not sure he believes that anymore, and he’s not sure where that leaves him. And just like every other time his faith has failed, Benten reminds himself why he tries so hard to see the best in people - the certainty that people have hidden depths, that their value is not always an obvious thing, out on their sleeve. He reminds himself of everything he sees in Juno.

Juno is not good at first impressions. Juno is not approachable, he's prickly and hard and puts an impressive amount of effort at pushing people farther away with every opportunity. No one thinks of Juno's smile first when they look at him; Ben could count on one hand the people who think of Juno fondly when he isn't around. And Juno talks to the rabbits instead of shooting them away. Juno cooks for both of them, for all of them, when he looks too tired to keep himself upright in front of the stove. Juno looks at the unfairness of the world around him - the whole world, not just Juno-and-Ben-and-Sarah's world, like maybe it's possible to find a solution. Juno devotes himself to things, Juno cares, Juno is a bleeding heart and if he can only be a hero by being the world's punching bag, he'll be that, too.

If Juno is the bad one, what does that make Benten? 

Not the good one, no, because that's only been his place by default. Ben isn't sure he _has_ the hidden depths that Juno does; he's all kindness and softness on the outside and a trap waiting to spring below the surface. He has to _work_ for the selflessness that comes naturally to Juno, can't even imagine the enormous prospect of wanting to make Hyperion a better place. He barely has enough to spare trying to help Sarah. Somehow, though, Juno still looks at him like he's someone to look up to. Like he's got something figured out that's beyond Juno's understanding, and Ben wants to deserve that. He wants, so much, to deserve that. 

If he’s not good enough to forgive Sarah Steel anymore, then who is Benzaiten, really? 

Just a person, he tells himself. Just the person he is, whoever that turns out to be. Whoever he grows into. He's a dancer, and Juno's brother, and yes, Sarah's son. He can make up the rest as he goes, maybe. Figure it out along the way, and he takes a long, deep breath and lets himself finish the thought: even if he has to do it alone.

Ben's hands ball into fists against his temples. He doesn't want to do this alone.

He doesn't have to.

There are so many things he wants to say when he's finally allowed in - _how dare you be the hero again_ , and _I'm sorry she never looked at me the way she looked at you_ , and _I promise to try harder to care about other people if you promise to care more about yourself_. He can't manage more than a small, broken hello when he sees Juno, though, tired and still smiling through pain and medication.

_Are you okay_ , he asks, and Ben could sob.

_Yeah, Juno, I'm fine seeing as how I'm not the one who took a direct blast today_. It's almost a laugh, what comes out after that, and it makes Juno smile wider so that's good enough.

He promises that he's moving in with Juno the moment he's released from the hospital, so he can just look like making the space for his favorite brother to annoy the hell out of him for the foreseeable future. He promises that they'll figure out what to do about the hospital bill between the two of them. He promises, again, that he's okay - okay sure, he's upset because Juno is here lying on a bed and _their mother_ put him here, but they're both going to be okay so get some rest, Juno, before the nurse comes by and fusses Ben for keeping him awake. There are probably another dozen promises that Ben doesn't even remember making after Juno finally nods off and Ben starts to droop in his chair. He's going to keep them all.

Benzaiten sees the best in people. Benzaiten looks for the best in Juno, and in himself, and promises to keep finding it in both of them.


End file.
